These few days have been a busy time for me man... this is just some time i have taken out that i may spend to reflect... well, i am currently having my exams... 4 papers altogether, 2 are over... the 4 papers i am taking currently are the Financial Management (over), Business Law (over), Human Resource (Wednesday), and the Cost and Managerial Accounting (Friday,and the toughest of all)... well... the first 2 papers are quite ok, not too difficult, but not easy either... forgot a few things... which made me lost alot of marks, and had a stupid careless mistake for financial management, which after the paper i realised, and i felt so darn stupid for making that mistake... well, its over... now to concentrate on the other 2 papers...
I did not go for the youth programme on sunday, kinda skipped it... should i say i needed to study? no... should i say i overslept? probably... should i say i din wanna go? most probably... i dunno... i have been re thinking... over and over again... wad is my initial intention of attending youth cell or even the youth programme on sundays? cant i just come to church for the service at 10.30am and go off after tt? well, upon reading this u might just say i am lazy to wake up so early... i dunno... am i gaining from going for the youth programme? somehow i do not feel "safe" anymore, in the youth... many reasons... feeling "unsafe" is just one of the reasons... another reason is that i dunno whether i am really learning from there... yes, cindy tell me that i come to church not just to learn about the bible, but also to fellowship... well, i told her that i think it is quite difficult to fellowship in the cell... reached church about 10.30am tt day.. josh asked me, y nv go youth? pokmun also asked... i did not answer... i just smiled back... someone else asked, and i said i was tired, and he asked me: "so i am not tired?" i dunno... somehow i felt that i did not really like being asked that question... the moment that question popped out, i felt insecure... and i did not answer further... went to lawrence, to give him that slip of paper from within the booklet(it was a covenant thingy about coming to cell and growing), he looked at me quite sternly and and disappointed, writing there below the last one, "BE PUNCTUAL" and asked me to tick it... well, i guess i know everyone's good intentions, and i know they care... but perhaps i wasnt feeling tt good that day to take all those attitude from people... i dunno... everyone who asked me about my lateness, i just smiled back, and din answer... was i irresponsible? i guess wad i am thinking in my head now about the next sentence i want to write might cause up a stir, and make people think even more negatively about me, therefore, i shall not write it... however, if u wanna know, u might as well ask me... i will be glad to tell you how i feel...
well, do i still care? yes i do still care, but i dun suppose you can relate my not coming for youth programme as not caring for them... it definately does not equate...
anyway, i am still thinking of whether i should attend yout programme anymore, well, understand that this is not about anyone's fault, its just that "am i learning? am i gaining from this? am i able to lead others?" all these questions flashed back and forth... and i concluded that if i go, i might be a hypocrite...
well, of course there are always unhappiness within people, even in church there are...some are childish, some are political... between someone and myself, there is kind of a conflict going on, i wish there wasnt any... it feels so childish... i am trying my best to stop the argument, but it seems he doesnt want to stop.. well, i tried my best... i can only say, when you want to stop yourself being against me, i am always ready, because i have already forgiven you, and i have forgiven myself... will you forgive me? i really pray so... i just wanna end this unhappiness... lets just continue being that friend to one another... i dunno how to tell you personally... lets just not be hypocrites and continue backstabbing each other ok? it is so wrong... and please, i even dun mind giving in... cause i am just tired from this fight... ok? u win... i'm sorry...
i reconciled with a "friend" yesterday night... and i was happy... cause i made someone happy... it felt kinda good...
anyway, thats all i have for reflection... if wadever i said in this post have made anyone unhappy for any reason, please tell me... cause i did not mean to hurt anyone... i just needed to say out wad i feel... cause its causing so much of a burden to me... please understand that even i am still human...
I did not go for the youth programme on sunday, kinda skipped it... should i say i needed to study? no... should i say i overslept? probably... should i say i din wanna go? most probably... i dunno... i have been re thinking... over and over again... wad is my initial intention of attending youth cell or even the youth programme on sundays? cant i just come to church for the service at 10.30am and go off after tt? well, upon reading this u might just say i am lazy to wake up so early... i dunno... am i gaining from going for the youth programme? somehow i do not feel "safe" anymore, in the youth... many reasons... feeling "unsafe" is just one of the reasons... another reason is that i dunno whether i am really learning from there... yes, cindy tell me that i come to church not just to learn about the bible, but also to fellowship... well, i told her that i think it is quite difficult to fellowship in the cell... reached church about 10.30am tt day.. josh asked me, y nv go youth? pokmun also asked... i did not answer... i just smiled back... someone else asked, and i said i was tired, and he asked me: "so i am not tired?" i dunno... somehow i felt that i did not really like being asked that question... the moment that question popped out, i felt insecure... and i did not answer further... went to lawrence, to give him that slip of paper from within the booklet(it was a covenant thingy about coming to cell and growing), he looked at me quite sternly and and disappointed, writing there below the last one, "BE PUNCTUAL" and asked me to tick it... well, i guess i know everyone's good intentions, and i know they care... but perhaps i wasnt feeling tt good that day to take all those attitude from people... i dunno... everyone who asked me about my lateness, i just smiled back, and din answer... was i irresponsible? i guess wad i am thinking in my head now about the next sentence i want to write might cause up a stir, and make people think even more negatively about me, therefore, i shall not write it... however, if u wanna know, u might as well ask me... i will be glad to tell you how i feel...
well, do i still care? yes i do still care, but i dun suppose you can relate my not coming for youth programme as not caring for them... it definately does not equate...
anyway, i am still thinking of whether i should attend yout programme anymore, well, understand that this is not about anyone's fault, its just that "am i learning? am i gaining from this? am i able to lead others?" all these questions flashed back and forth... and i concluded that if i go, i might be a hypocrite...
well, of course there are always unhappiness within people, even in church there are...some are childish, some are political... between someone and myself, there is kind of a conflict going on, i wish there wasnt any... it feels so childish... i am trying my best to stop the argument, but it seems he doesnt want to stop.. well, i tried my best... i can only say, when you want to stop yourself being against me, i am always ready, because i have already forgiven you, and i have forgiven myself... will you forgive me? i really pray so... i just wanna end this unhappiness... lets just continue being that friend to one another... i dunno how to tell you personally... lets just not be hypocrites and continue backstabbing each other ok? it is so wrong... and please, i even dun mind giving in... cause i am just tired from this fight... ok? u win... i'm sorry...
i reconciled with a "friend" yesterday night... and i was happy... cause i made someone happy... it felt kinda good...
anyway, thats all i have for reflection... if wadever i said in this post have made anyone unhappy for any reason, please tell me... cause i did not mean to hurt anyone... i just needed to say out wad i feel... cause its causing so much of a burden to me... please understand that even i am still human...
and this, is my story...
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